


Alone

by philaetos



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell, Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: M/M, Simon is sad, agatha is thriving in california, baz’s and simon’s a+ relationship in wayward son, baz’s fifth year angst, but hey what’s new, everyone is sad except agatha, he plays with fire, his fantasies of kisses and blood, if you know what i mean, nothing worse than in canon don’t worry, penny is sad too, yes i’m talking about a suicide attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-02
Updated: 2020-10-02
Packaged: 2021-03-07 21:01:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philaetos/pseuds/philaetos
Summary: Baz’s, Agatha’s, Simon’s and Penny’s takes on being alone, all at a different moment of their lives
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 1
Kudos: 24





	Alone

**Baz**

Fuck Simon Snow.

Fuck Simon Snow and his ordinary blue eyes that make my undead heart clench in my chest when they look at me, fuck Simon Snow and his constellation of moles I dream of tracing with my fingers, with my lips.

Fuck Simon Snow and his heart that beats so fast because he’s so  _ alive _ , fuck Simon Snow and his red cheeks, full of blood, when he’s all rilled up. 

Fuck Simon Snow and the way he makes me feel. 

Fuck the kisses I want to give him, fuck the blood I want to suck out of him.

Fuck everything. 

Fuck the rats that I have to hunt down ever harder than before, as if the silly little things had understood I was here for their life. 

Fuck  _ life _ .

Everyone’s so full of it and I’m here stealing it from innocent creatures to sustain the monster I am.

Because I’m a monster, am I not, Mum?

A monster, just like those who killed you.

I wish they’d killed me instead. 

I wish you’d survived and done the  _ right thing _ , not like Fiona and Father. You wouldn’t have been weak and emotional like them. You would have looked at what was once your son and destroyed the monster that was there instead.

But you didn’t survive. You didn’t fucking survive. 

You protected me and it killed you.

You shouldn’t have.

If it had been me instead of you, Father and Fiona would have been happy. Maybe they’d have been a little sad at first, but they would have gotten over it. You would have too. Father and you could have had other children, other children that wouldn’t turn out like me. Children Father wouldn’t be so ashamed of being related to.

He’s so ashamed of me, Mum. 

He didn’t tell me, Daphne wouldn’t let him be so cruel to me, but I know he is. Because I’m a vampire. Because I’m  _ queer.  _

I wonder what you’d have thought of that, Mum. You’d probably have been disgusted too. It’s a deviance. The feelings I have for Snow… they’re not right.

Nothing’s right about me.

Nothing’s  _ ever  _ right.

Nothing will ever be right.

The one thing that would be right… Yes… That’s it…

The flame in my hand is so hot.

It would be  _ so _ easy.

So ea...

“Baz! Baz I know you’re hiding in here!”

Fuck Simon Snow! 

Can’t he fucking leave me  _ alone.  _

...

**Agatha**

California is the most beautiful place in the world.

Maybe I'm biased, but at this very moment, with sand stuck between my toes and wind in my hair, it does seem like the most beautiful place in the world.

I’d never seen the ocean, not like that. My parents took me on holidays in the south of France and in Spain, sometimes, but it wasn’t anything like the beaches of California. 

I suppose the freedom being here represents helps make the sight so breathtaking. 

I never thought I’d have the guts to really do it. Leave the World of Mages, I mean. I’ve always wanted to, for as long as I can remember. I was jealous of my Normal friends, who could just go on with their lives and not have to always be perfect, always be exactly what the whole world expects you to be.

Simon and I were meant to be. That’s what everyone said. So we got together. Because it made sense, apparently. It wasn’t great, being with him. Simon is a great person, and I do love him, but he’s a terrible boyfriend. Maybe if we could have been just friends, I would have loved him more. Instead the memory of him is just bittersweet. Thinking of Simon reminds me of how miserable I felt when I was with him. It was exhausting, having to pretend to be a perfect couple when none of us really loved the other. Exhausting to be the girlfriend of the Chosen One. My parents kept asking me if I thought Simon would propose immediately after Watford. It made me feel sick. Proposal. Marriage. Two children, a golden retriever, and a house with a fence. 

It’s not for me. I don’t want that life. 

I’m not sure I would have even gotten that life with Simon.

He’s always getting himself in trouble. I know it’s not his fault, but still. All those dangerous missions of his… I never wanted to be dragged into that. 

I was just playing my part, the part of the pretty blonde love interest of the hero, like we were in some epic novel, and I was almost killed.

I’ve had  _ enough _ .

So I ran away, like Lucy. I hope I’ll find her. I’d like to thank her. For inspiring me. For giving me the courage to do it. 

I look at her picture. She looks so happy. I hope someday I’ll be as happy as that. 

A year ago, I would have thought that impossible. But now, I can be hopeful. I can finally live my life as I want it,  _ alone _ . 

...

**Simon**

I never thought I’d live this long.

I’m nineteen, my Watford years are over, I’ve defeated the Humdrum.

I should be happy. I should be bloody ecstatic ; I’m living with Penny, Baz loves me, I’m not in constant danger anymore. Then why do I feel so empty.

So numb.

Like nothing makes sense anymore.

My magic was always a bad thing, I never knew how to use it without causing problems, most of time it just frustrated me, and I know that giving it up was the right thing to do, then why does it hurt so much that it’s gone?

Because it’s not the only thing that’s gone.

Ebb is too. And the Mage. 

I know Baz thinks I shouldn’t be sad that the Mage is dead because of the way he treated me but I can’t help it. He wasn’t all great, but I’m sure he cared for me, even a little. He always remembered my birthday! Sometimes even  _ I  _ couldn’t remember my birthday, but he did, he always did. That means he must have cared. 

And even if  _ he  _ didn’t care, I did. He took me out of the care homes. He saved me from my miserable childhood and gave me Watford, a home. I’ll always be grateful to him for that. In a strange, twisted way, he even gave me Baz.

Baz.

God. I can’t believe Baz is mine. This handsome, smart, powerful man is mine. 

I don’t deserve him. 

_ He  _ deserves so much better than a fucked up, fallen Chosen One of a boyfriend who can’t fucking be kissed without being on the brink of a panic attack. And yet he’s here, always. He comes at Penny’s and my flat every Friday evening with takeaway, always ordering my favourite thing for himself so that he can give me his leftovers. He passes by sometimes in the morning, his ridiculous coffee in hand, just to drop pastries on the kitchen table and a kiss on my forehead -the kiss feels nice, not as terrifying as the rest because I know he won’t try to touch me more when he kisses my forehead. He spends his Sundays here when Fiona is away, chatting with Penny, trying to get me to chat with them. He stays the night sometimes, and I can feel his cold body near mine, I can smell his posh shampoo and hear his breathing, too slow to be normal for someone who isn’t a vampire. It feels like being back at Watford, having him near me at night but it’s completely different at the same time. 

He wasn’t sleeping in my bed at Watford.

But now he is, sometimes, and it’s as frightening as it’s exhilarating. There’s nothing quite as wonderful as waking up to Baz Pitch.

I smile fondly at the memory of one of those mornings, a couple weeks ago. One of his hand had found mine during the night, as if he unconsciously looked for me. He had been there, right next to me.

But now he isn’t, because when he asked if he could sleep here tonight, I chased him away.

I chased him away and now I’m  _ alone _ . 

...

**Penny**

Who knew a broken heart hurt this much?

I always thought the girls who cried their eyes out in the Cloisters after their boyfriend broke up with them were a bit dramatic, but now I understand. 

I thought Micah and I were forever, I really did. We had been together for so long, and it’s true we’ve neglected each other a little during the last couple of months, but that doesn’t mean I stopped loving him. Crowley, I had a proposal planned! I wanted to stop time, to do something more grandiose than anything anyone has done before, something even more extraordinary than Natasha Pitch hanging the moon. But while I was planning that, he had apparently broken up with me, and he was shagging some other girl. I shouldn’t be angry at him, it’s my fault for not understanding, but it still hurts. He was my future. 

I think that’s the problem, I saw him as a future thing. Once I told Simon that his relationship with Agatha wasn’t good for either of them because he loved the idea of her, of a future with her, more than he loved her, and that he should either focus on their relationship in the present or end it once and for all. I guess I should have listened to my own advice. 

But I didn’t, and now my boyfriend has left me and my only friends are gone Crowley knows where and my family is on the other side of the Atlantic and I’m crying on the pavement in front of Micah’s house,  _ alone _ . 


End file.
